INSPIRED BY “FROM THE PAGES OF ESQUIRE: LESSONS IN LIVING FROM 65 REMARKABLE LIVES”
By JOHN YOUNGREN
Buy the premise, buy the bit. That's what I'm asking you to do with this one. The Esquire book led to some personal rumination.
So you have to accept the premise that I'm at least WORKING on a "remarkable life..."
I SHOULD HAVE GIVEN IT ANOTHER GO after my first-and-only standup comedian try – in a bar where there was no standup comedy, ever. And I still should. But I was embarrassed and frustrated it hadn't gone well. And that's no way to be funny. At least intentionally.
NEVER FEEL LATE BEFORE YOU ACTUALLY ARE LATE. I run late all my life. But I don’t feel guilty when it’s, say, 8:22 a.m. and I’m trying to make the 8:30 a.m. meeting. I don’t feel guilty until it’s 8:37 a.m. and I’m still not there.
FEELING GUILTY is for fools. Or Catholics. And yes, I'm both.
I'VE NEVER REGRETTED getting out of journalism for advertising – though I have sometimes regretted losing track of advertising for public relations.
STILL, IF I HAD TO DO IT ALL AGAIN, I would have stayed in journalism. I’m absolutely designed to be a newspaper columnist – the best mix of stand-up comedian and radio talk-show host I can find.
IF I COULDN'T do that, I’d be a stand-up comedian or radio talk show host.
Or David Letterman.
Or David E. Kelley.
And I should have stuck with my real radio show longer, though the hours were killing me.
DON'T STOP thinking about tomorrow.
IT'S STILL possible to learn the bass guitar.
The 1995 Saab isn’t a classic. IT'S JUST OLD.
I CAN'T STAND KIDS who want to major in Communications – PR or journalism, or whatever – and don’t read a newspaper every day. They don’t watch TV news and they don’t have any idea what’s going on in the world. You want to be my PR advisor? Fuck you.
NOBODY READS ANYMORE. I read a book a week, sometimes more. I read five magazines a week, sometimes more. I read three newspapers a day, sometimes more. I read all the time. I consider it the greatest gift God has given me, besides the ability to write.
I NEED TO WRITE – whether it’s a blog, freelance shit, my Great American Novel, whatever. I need to fucking write.
WOMEN ARE RARE AND MYSTICAL CREATURES. Like unicorns. They can be scared away. When I'm into someone, I frequently come on too strong. When it’s a potentially romantic, potentially sexual relationship, I become a fucking loud dweeb. I’m nerdy Bob Saget. On only an occasion or two have I have pulled out of that tailspin, and it’s all with girls whose names begin with “J.”
BUT A PLATONIC GIVE-AND-TAKE? I’m an ace. No pressure, no hype, no dweeb. Romantic chemistry all over the place. Or married chemistry.
I DO WELL with married babes.
And Moms.
I'D BE GOOD in a sitcom.
FOR THE RECORD, I’m not fucking gay. Not that there's anything wrong with it.
I'M ALWAYS about taking the room. Because I can. Because it’s like I still have that Mr. Microphone in my hand.
TO THIS DAY, I want to get the laugh and take control. Maybe I’m funny, maybe I’m not, but I’ll give it the fucking roll – and most of the time I’m going to get the laugh.
THAT'S MY PERSONALITY. Since I was in second grade (literally; ask Ms. Cannon) I’ve understood the ebbs and flows of humor and response, finding the funny in the situation. I used to love to get the laugh out of the classroom around me. Just ask Ms. Spackman-Moss (her name now), my sophomore year English teacher. But I eventually found the true happy place to be: Get the laugh, bring the people in, and advance the conversation. Teachers love that. You’re helping them do their job.
I LOVE THE COMEDY OF GOSSIP. I love the “what’s next?” and “he really?” aspect of it. People don’t like what they call “gossip.” I don’t care. For me, it’s just talking about life.
NO ONE ANNOYS ME MORE than a dumb person who doesn’t realize how dumb they are. Someone so dumb they don’t know what they should know.
I HAVE LESS PATIENCE than ever with arrogant people, or people who need to explain to me their authority or position. If you have to tell me how powerful you are, I’m guessing you’re really not all that powerful.
IF YOU CAN'T LAUGH AT YOURSELF, fuck you.
ALCOHOL is the great equalizer.
I'M BETTER LOOKING the further East I go – a stud in Chicago, Boston or New York.
I'M HALF-ITALIAN but didn’t end up with any kind of fun surname that could scare thugs or get me good seats at Italian restaurants. Youngrenelli?
MOST OF THE TIME, I'm making it up on the fly.
IF YOU DON'T KNOW THIS ALREADY, trust me: If you’ve got a relative in the hospital with a serious illness, you’re going to be running the case.
I LIKE clothes. I especially like jeans, boots, jackets and caps, but it’s not like I’m a farmer, or a cowboy. (Not that there's anything wrong with farmers or cowboys, either.)
MY SEVEN FAVORITE (NON-FAMILY, NON-SEXUAL) THINGS TO ENJOY IN LIFE: 1. My music mixes; 2. Cigars on the deck; 3. Chardonnay; 4. A good book on a lazy Sunday; 5. Club sandwiches; 6. DVDs of TV series; 7. Breaking up the room.
MY SEVEN FAVORITE THINGS IN THE WORLD: 1. Paul McCartney on bass; 2. David Letterman's second take; 3. Derek Jeter in the hole; 4. Peyton Manning with a minute left and the ball; 5. Joe Buck or Bob Costas on play-by-play; 6. Red Rock Brewing Co., Salt Lake City, Utah; 7. Jennifer Aniston, anytime.
A LONG TIME AGO, I decided to be me. It's working out OK, but it's definitely a work in progress.
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ON THE DOT: Now back in business (with a modified rating system) the “John Youngren Dot Com” blog (once known as “Pop Stew”) should be updated regularly. And remember, as always, this is just an exhibition; it is not a competition – so please, no wagering. To contact John, e-mail johnyoungren@mac.com
