LET’S GET SERIOUS: ALL THIS EARLY VOTING MAY LEAD TO MISCOUNTS

By JOHN YOUNGREN

SALT LAKE CITY—OK, OK, OK, so I get it.
And tonight I voted, too.
What the hell is it with this “Early Voting” bullshit this year? A friend of mine said it: “Do early votes count twice, or something?”
Serious question. Do they?
I haven’t understood for the last 2-3 weeks, even as nearly anyone I work with or anyone I know has come in with the proverbial “I Voted” stickers on their breasts. Or breast. Or, what the hell? When did this become all the rage?
In Utah, apparently, they came up with this new law in 2006 that said people could vote early. I didn’t pay any attention to it at the time, so I was somewhat caught off-guard this year. Nevertheless, I’m convinced it still wouldn’t have mattered that much if not for the phenom (phenomenon) that is Barack Obama, and a Democratic Party that told people to start voting early (and often; hey I’ll be here all week – tip your waitresses). Why? So as not to run into any of those “disenfranchising” problems that have happened in years past (propagated by the fucking Republican Party, of which, I believe, nearly anything is possible since its out-and-out highway robbery of the 2000 Election, but don’t get me started).
So, if you’re worried they’re not going to take your I.D. or they’re going to question your middle initial or they’re going to turn you away for some other vacuous reason? Vote early. Fuck them. If they say “no,” you can always go back and get some help or even an attorney and have time to do it before they turn out the lights in Florida. (Never mind the fact that after doing this for a few years, if someone at my polling location was questioning my ability to vote I would tell them “fuck you” and call the news media even if it was Election Day. We sheep are just lucky to get the chance to vote, you "masters of the country," so we won’t make much in the way of trouble unless we’re given a day or so to do so.)
But whatever, “Early Voting” has become all the rage – and it dips into your consciousness, whether or not you believe everyone should start eating turkey and cranberry sauce 10 days before Thanksgiving. Don’t be disenfranchised. Don’t be misled. Don’t be turned away. Don’t be miscounted. Screw Election Day. Vote now. Before they get you.
It gets in your head. Even after spending the past three weeks telling everyone I know I had no intention of voting before the official – and one and only – Election Day, I began to worry about 10 days ago that maybe everyone else had a point, and I was wrong. So I tried to go “early vote” at the University of Utah a few days ago, only to be turned away because it wasn’t 12 noon yet (which was when voting began).
And then, traditions and customs be damned (and I know something about customs, because I just watched that HBO mini-series about John Adams with Paul Giamati as the star on DVD), I went up again, tonight, at around 4:50 (voting supposedly closed at 5) to the U of U’s Union Building. There I stood, in a long line for about an hour – with old guys and young women (and more young women; I’ve got to get back on campus more often) and weird dudes and nerdy people. And we were all waiting to vote.
The line wrapped up the stairs of the Union Building and all through where the vending machines and bowling alley used to be, back in the day. It went way down the hall, where all of us stood in line like they used to gang up for “Star Wars IV” on opening night at the movies.
Everyone was pretty good-spirited, despite the fact that it was a Friday and it was Halloween and it was after 5 p.m. and it was – what? – four days until Election Day, which implicitly means we would have another chance to vote on what, the actual Election Day?
No matter. We shared pens and sodas and let each other get in and out of line to buy snacks or use the ATM and smiled and good naturedly nodded about our common plight in life: We are “Early Voters.” We like each other. We will support one another. We are all here a week before it matters to vote for the black guy that we all like so as not to be disenfranchised or taken for granted. And the fact that we’re all so scared we may be disenfranchised or taken for granted may be the most frightening aspect of all.
And that’s my last point, despite the fact that when it came down to it, I went along too. If you’ve ever read a book about Florida during that incredible Gore-Bush 2000 decision (and I’ve read a book or two about it), then you know that no matter how incredibly low or cheating you can believe the Republicans could have been in 2000, chances are they went lower or cheated more. I mean it. If you’re one of those people (like me) who always gives the benefit of the doubt and basically thinks people are going to do the right thing, you’re screwed. In 2000, in Florida, the fucking Republicans didn’t do anything that would be considered “right,” other than they were “right” in terms of their strategy for fucking over Democrats, especially Al Gore and his men – who were stunned by the audaciousness of the Republicans, too.
So I was thinking, if this is the case – and it jolly well could be, in Utah, the reddest of the red states – then we are fucked. Because the Republicans have us. They’ve got all of us little stargazing Bambi-eyed Democrats running out early to vote (“Because that’s what we do! Come on! You love Obama, don't you? So do I!”) and get all excited about Obama. And then come Election Day, they’ll say, “you know what? We can’t find any of those Early Votes. And they don’t count. And you voted out of your district? Should have just voted on Election Day.”
Republicans are funny, come Election Day. I can believe they won’t count my vote. Especially in Utah. In fucking Utah? Come on. They don’t count my vote here, anyway.
But it’s all moot now. We’ll see what happens, brothers and sisters. For today, I broke the stance and voted early. Early Voting. And now I’m with you, one way or another, if for whatever reason our votes are taken for those of fools. Or early birds.
I guess for a change I got the worm.
I just hope I don’t get screwed.

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ON THE DOT: Now back in business (with a modified rating system) the “John Youngren Dot Com” blog (once known as “Pop Stew”) should be updated regularly. And remember, as always, this is just an exhibition; it is not a competition – so please, no wagering. To contact John, e-mail johnyoungren@mac.com