OK, NOW WE TAKE ON MAXIM’S “24 HOURS TO LIVE” – AND IT’S DISTURBING!
By JOHN YOUNGREN (sort of)
I’ll admit it – I’m kind of phoning these in. The last two or three entries have been entirely ripped off from magazines (which obviously rip off each other) with quickie little Q&A featurettes that don’t require a lot of heavy lifting.
But everyone’s complaining – no recent updates. And I’m in a ponderous mood. So I decided to take on Maxim’s “24 Hours to Live” feature, in which a celebrity is confronted with those last-minute questions all of us would prefer to avoid for as long as possible.
(And for those of you wondering, yes, I get Maxim. Not bad on a lonely weekend night with a cigar and a bottle of Chardonnay. “John Youngren Is 42 And Not Married.”)
Henceforth … their Qs, my clever As…
–How do you want to leave this Earth?
Heroically.
–Any woman you always wanted to sleep with?
A few. That cute little vampire slayer will do just fine.
–What’s the best advice you ever received?
People have given me advice without really meaning to. Years ago, playing golf with my father and my two (then) young half-brothers, I threw an absolute profanity-filled fit after hitting a bad shot. Throwing the club and everything. Dad looked at me and said, “You’re not good enough to be mad.”
–If you could haunt someone, who would it be?
Any of my former bosses. But I’d always be 31 minutes late and scare the fuck out of them when they weren’t expecting me.
–What would you say is your greatest accomplishment?
I’ve done a lot of odd semi-related things: Writing newspaper columns, hosting radio talk shows, emceeing charity events, getting letters published in The Sporting News and USA Today, winning a Pet Rock on KRSP 1060 AM Radio in the ‘70s. Always just a step away from fame.
–What book do you most regret not finishing?
I regret never getting into the stories written about that fucking Harry Potter.
–Do you have a longstanding lie you’d like to clear up?
I was screwing around when I got stuck under the garage door, Bruce and Saundra. It wasn’t slipping on the grease, no matter what we said that night.
What has been your greatest source of strength?
Liquor.
Your last meal?
A club sandwich from just about anywhere. And yes, I’ll take the fucking fries.
–What is your biggest regret?
That I wasted so much time, energy, money, wine and emotion on the wrong women in life. And that I didn’t get up and try the stand-up comedy again somewhere else.
–You can punch anyone and get away with it…
Jay Leno. Fuck him.
–Who gets what in your will?
Not sure anyone will want much. My mother can take all the idiotic DVDs she thinks I buy. My colleagues can have my action figures.
–What’s on your epitaph?
“Nice Try.”
–Tell us about your ideal funeral.
Women sobbing that they never gave me more than a thought when I was alive and every single person I’ve ever known gathered together – we’ll have to hold it at Yankee Stadium. Gretchen Wilson sings.
–What are people saying over your casket?
“God, he looks so thin.”
–What lesson do you know now that you wish you’d learned earlier?
Love is a bitch.
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ON THE DOT: Now back in business (with a modified rating system) the “John Youngren Dot Com” blog (once known as “Pop Stew”) should be updated regularly. And remember, as always, this is just an exhibition; it is not a competition – so please, no wagering. To contact John, e-mail johnyoungren@mac.com
